Role Call!

Oh boy it has been quite a while, hasn't it? I feel like I've started my last 10 blogs like that, but in this case, it's true. I haven't written since before the baby was born, and that was six months ago today! As is common knowledge, there's not a whole lot of extra time for ranting on the Internet with a new baby around, so I was delighted to recently find the inspiration.

It was a lovely, happy night here at Trailer Hitch Studios. I had just gotten three loads of laundry done, the baby was finally asleep, and Mike and I were unusually chipper. So I had a couple glasses of wine, watched a few thrilling videos on the Gaza Strip and 9/11, and logged onto Facebook. A dangerous combination indeed! Like drunk dialing your hot poli-sci professor, but not so much drunk as just a little sweaty under the arms.

Whilst generally fucking about on that network to which we are all enslaved, I stumbled upon the current status of my best friend/hetero lifemate, a politically active little firecracker in our home state. I had just spoken to her earlier on the phone and inundated her with some hot gossip about the Israeli influence in American politics, including the role her own US senators are playing, and peppered it with a little 9/11 truth. I was excited to be able to talk to someone else who was interested, she being so politically ambitious and what-not. Her status was an enthusiastic expression of gratitude for her co-workers and volunteers and also a lament for those that "sit sedentarily bitchin." This was followed up with a small string of comments from a few of those friends and co-workers, affirming their roles of action and further annoyances over those that do not "spread the word" but instead "watch Glenn Beck and blog in response." I generally do not put my ten cents into a jar already crowded with ardent and spirited two-party affiliates, but I was feeling frisky and confrontational, so I left a comment of my own. Nothing too spicy, just my own lament over the commonalities of both Democrats and Republicans. To be specific, that "Democrats and Republicans alike are bought by the same people." Shortly thereafter I was met with a saucy response of something along the lines of how "fashionable" it is to be "against everything" because then I don't have to believe in anything. My first thought was, "Democrats and Republicans are everything? Holy shit, we're worse off than I thought!" But I followed it up with my own impassioned spiel (there goes that Jewish influence again) on the things I do believe in: how it doesn't matter to the Palestinians which Americans call themselves elephants and which call themselves asses when they are both being paid to support those that imprison them. I realize if we're just talking about local politics and domestic issues, then sure, there are fundamental differences. But when it comes to foreign policy, which is generally what I gravitate towards (it's just more juicy), both parties tend to walk hand-in-hand (with guns in both). The response I got was pretty typical and essentially that someone's Facebook status is no place for "bitching" (my quote, just for the sake of coming full-circle, not theirs) about Middle Eastern policies. I'd like to know what IS the right forum for such discussion? I'll argue that it's not just policy for the distant and conflicted Middle East, but that it directly involves the American people, therefore my ranting about it in random places is justified. Because in order to appear sane and rational we should only talk about the things that affect us. This bond between the US and Israel is not a secret, yet it's such a removed issue for Americans because a) We are supposed to hate Arabs and b) We are supposed to love all Jews and subsequently the state of Israel unconditionally--not for the practice of Unconditional Universal Love--but because they were victims of the Holocaust and should still be treated as such.

I was reminded that President Obama has "promised on numerous occasions" that he is going to step in on the issue of Israeli apartheid. Yes, he has promised this on numerous occasions. He claims to want to "bring peace" to the Arab-Israeli "conflict" (genocide/brutal civilian murder/societal devastation), yet according to a 2010 congressional report, for the fiscal year 2010 he still allotted $2.78 billion for Foreign Military Financing, aka Israel's military. Yay, a miniscule amount less than the Bush administration's $3 billion a year! Yes, Democrats and Republicans ARE different! If someone can explain how handing over billions of dollars to the Israeli military and at the same time expecting them to QUIT doing the job they are being granted to do makes any sense, I'd like to hear it. Actually, I wouldn't. Because it won't make sense. It is completely irrational. If Obama is being threatened, blackmailed, and extorted, then let's just call it what it is. Let's not present apples and call them oranges.

The expansion of Israeli settlements on stolen Palestinian land is illegal according to the International Court of Justice and the UN Security Council, not to mention ME! Why then are they still permitted to expand? Furthermore, why is America still PAYING them to do it? What is the point of having an International Court of Justice if they can't do anything about those that defy it? There can be no viable "peace talks" when the unwavering financial and military support of the US is behind one side while the other side struggles just to survive every single day.

You want people to actually DO something instead of sitting around bitching? It starts right here, with lowly civilians like myself, drudging up the messy Middle Eastern policies and sensitive issues that fire us up. Otherwise those conversations are resigned to stay around designated philosophical tables and behind contrived podiums. This attitude that we dare not bring these topics up unless we are specifically at a political meeting, rally, or office is absurd and exactly why the average American doesn't KNOW about the most pertinent issues we face today.

I'll argue that blogging is action. The spreading of information is an important role many have undertaken, many in conjunction with other activities, but some as their sole contribution to political/social concerns. I know I've learned a hell of a lot more truth from the average person's blog than from 99% of endorsed politicians. We all have our roles. Some hold signs, some march, some run for office, and some read people's Facebook comments and blog in response.

Why Horrific Births Really Get My Goat

Ugh. I just watched the most horrific birth. Probably not the most horrific, but pretty disturbing. Remember when I promised to give my thoughts on the show "16 and Pregnant"? You're about to get my three cents. Yes, I admit, I am sickeningly addicted to this weekly MTV trash. Mostly I subject myself to it because not only do I gain another reference to societal ills, but I tend to come out feeling exponentially greater about my own values and upcoming experiences.

This week's episode, which is ending as I speak because frankly I stopped caring after the birth, follows a (you guessed it) 16-year-old girl Samantha who got pregnant and now has to deal with the consequences! Those damn consequences. She and her boyfriend actually get along which diverges from the usual conflict of the show, so producers had to find one. In this case it's between the mothers of the two young parents. That's really not important though. The sticky part begins when she walks into the hospital to be induced at 38 weeks.

That's right, she's getting induced at 38 weeks, unless the little clips which head the scenes were all completely off on the number of weeks along she was. At 38 weeks she says her due date has passed, and since babies are allegedly supposed to adhere to medical estimations, that must mean there's a problem and she must be induced. For those who don't know, due dates are typically estimated at 40 weeks, and "normal" birth occurs anywhere between 37-42 weeks. She could have reasonably cooked that bun another month if the doctors believed in nature. But no, you'll see that concept is quickly laid to rest with an easy and thoughtless round of drugs.

Once they've dosed her up with her first round of Pitocin (the drug which stimulates the uterus to forcefully contract, which usually results in longer, more painful contractions, followed by the necessary epidural to numb the unnecessary pain), she sleeps a full night in the hospital without feeling much of anything. The next day they continue to pump her with the drug until she does feel something. Around 15 hours into labor the pain becomes severe, yet she is still not dilated past 1 or 2 centimeters. Epidurals are not generally given until dilation of 3 centimeters, so she is told she must endure the excruciating pain until she gets to that point. That never happens. This poor girl is lying there literally screaming because the pain is so intense, and it's a wonder to everyone why her cervix isn't opening and allowing the baby to pass. The nurse says this is an indication that the baby "just isn't gonna fit," as if it's at all a mistake made by Nature that both the baby and her mother have been injected with a severely stress-inducing drug, compounded by Samantha's natural stress hormones which are no doubt secreting off the charts at this point. Biologically, the production of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline causes muscles to contract and close, as if to turn white and flee the scene if they could! It is completely obvious that this baby and the incredibly intelligent tissues that surround it are stressed, threatened, and refusing to birth because of all the unnecessary stuff that's been done to them.

Of course, after over 20 hours of torturous and unfruitful labor, the interventions come to a climax when she is wheeled into the OR for a relieving C-section. Sure, Samantha's own mother had two, so why shouldn't she have one? She undoubtedly thinks this is normal, that there is something wrong with her body--she probably still thinks the baby wouldn't "fit"--so thank God the good doctors were there to save her and perform the medical miracle. Yes, it is good that the doctors were there to finally put her out of her misery and skillfully cut the baby out, but the need for that would most likely never have arisen if the doctors (more like the nurses following doctor's orders) had never touched her in the first place.

After the major surgery she has just undergone, the new mother is too weak to even see her baby for over a day. The traumatized infant is kept in the nursery and fed synthetic formula. Whether this was Samantha's choice beforehand or not is not at all discussed, but it's clear that she doesn't seem to care either way. She finally shuffles at tortoise pace to the nursery to hold her daughter for the first time, but she is in too much post-surgical pain for the moment to be considered at all sweet.

Yes, this post is admittedly loaded with language designed to get you to see my side of it, but that's television's only purpose, so why should I respond to it any differently? I'm through holding my tongue. I'm not very good at it. I'm outspoken about what I see. And I don't just bitch for no other reason than to expose other people's faults because I'm some kind of angsty youth. If I express concern about an issue it's because the issue is important to both me and society or humanity at large. If the majority of women, especially young women, continue to believe that their bodies are faulted and only rich doctors taught and conditioned by even richer doctors know how to birth their babies for them, then our society will eventually lose what makes us human and we will forget who we truly are as spiritual, intelligent, and natural beings. Can you imagine a day when the innate wisdom of knowing how to have babies is stripped from us completely and we must look to "authorities" for all the answers? I hope not, because that will indicate that we are tapped of our humanity. We "just won't fit."

Of course television skews reality like a frog in a blender, but there is really no denying the general idea of how that birth transpired. I don't even know if I could call it a birth; it was truly little more than sheer labor. That may sound harsh and unfair, but even through the TV I can tell there is postpartum awkwardness between Samantha and her baby. The trauma experienced by both of them hangs heavily, though perhaps intangibly. When asked by her friend a couple of weeks later how different she feels now that she's a mom, the girl hazily claims she feels "a little different, but I don't know how to explain" as if she's in front of her math class, giving the answer to #12 on her homework.

Easy Black Bean & Corn Rice Dish

I just threw this simple recipe together for dinner tonight with some things I had lying around. Very filling, and Mike said it was spiced perfectly!

Serves 3-5 Cook time: 45 minutes

2 cups water
1 cup uncooked brown rice
1 15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 15 oz. can corn, drained
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 1/3 teaspoons sea salt
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (we like it spicy, though use less or none if you don't!)

Directions:
1. Cook rice. Bring water to a boil, add rice, turn to low heat and cover. Takes approx. 45 minutes.

2. Combine the rest of the ingredients in a large bowl. The canned beans tend to be a bit tough for my taste, so I boil them for just a couple minutes first.

3. Combine rice with other ingredients. Toss thoroughly and serve alone or Mexican-style in a tortilla with salsa and sour cream!

Chill-It Millet Salad Recipe

Well hello there and may I officially welcome you to Spring! I couldn't be more delighted that the season is changing, and the pages are turning. We've planted a few seeds but want tons more. I'm going to get some today to plant along with some strong intentions. Baby will be here soon, and I'm feeling an incredibly energizing shift. Part of that shift includes my learning to cook! I love good food but just didn't feel a connection with the cooking process. But after all these frustrating years of not understanding or feeling the art of flavoring, I think I'm finally catching on. So I just made this delicious vegan millet salad, and shit, I think anyone would eat it (maybe not My Sister the Barbarian, she's not into eating things without meat). I originally was going to make a quinoa salad, but Whole Foods was out, so I got millet instead. It's very similar in quality and nutritional value to quinoa (though it does take twice the time to cook), so feel free to use them interchangeably.

I must give credit where it is due; I got the basis for this recipe off http://www.recipezaar.com
The recipe is a Black Bean and Millet Salad, though I added or replaced ingredients where I saw fit, including the black beans. I didn't want to use my one can right now, so I just left them out. Also, I came up with the new name. So here ya go!

Chill-It Millet Salad Serves 6-10? Total cook/prep time: Took me over an hour, but I've been grooving to the Avett Brothers and Hothouse Flowers, so I enjoyed it.

2 3/4 cups water
1 cup uncooked millet (rinsed, though I forgot to do this and is perhaps why it came out a bit sticky, or maybe I just needed a little less water)
1 medium cucumber, diced
1 medium carrot, diced
1 small-medium warm-colored bell pepper, diced
2 ribs celery, chopped
1 medium avocado, sliced into squares
a couple handfuls of walnuts, chopped
two branches of kale, destemmed and chopped
a handful or so of parsley or cilantro, to taste
2 medium tomatoes, diced

Dressing:
1/3 cup water
~3 tablespoons lemon juice
~1 tablespoon olive oil
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper (more or less to taste)

Directions:
1. Rinse millet. Bring the water to a boil, add millet, turn to low and cover. Takes 25-30 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, begin chopping your veggies. I recommend saving the tomatoes for last because they really gunk up your cutting board.

3. When millet is cooked, take off heat and fluff with fork. Transfer to a large bowl to let it breathe and cool.

4. Steam your kale. Takes about 10 minutes. Take off heat when soft so you don't lose too many nutrients.

5. Prepare your dressing and toss everything together! I thoroughly tossed the veggies with the grain before adding the dressing. I don't know, it just feels better that way. Taste and adjust if necessary. Mine is extremely flavorful!

6. Serve chilled or room temperature. They're both good!

Enjoy the weather! It's a little cooler today than it has been this week, but that's okay because I hear millet is actually a warming grain. Combined with the cooling veggies, it's a perfect meal for a cool spring day.

Much love

Saying No to the Medical Mob

Well, we're moving steadily through week 36 now, and it's time to get serious about some serious things. I'm turning in our Birth Plan to our midwife at today's appointment, and the one question I'm leaving blank is "who is your baby's pediatrician?" I was uncomfortable with the idea of just picking a name out of a hat and hoping one would see me, as is the protocol at the facility I was assigned to by my insurance, so I made another call to a different medical center, closer to us and recommended on a long list of pediatricians given out by the Birth Center. I've already spoken to one doctor, but he is "uncomfortable" with seeing a family who is adverse to routine vaccinations. It's clear that the choice of vaccinating is not as simple as "just saying no," but it is something we must be absolutely clear on and able to back up and discuss. No problem!

There is something terribly wrong with the state of medical affairs in this country. The United States is the most vaccinated country in the world, yet is one of the sickest. Yes, Africa has AIDS and Haiti is buried in rubble, but America is the most powerful, "advanced," and allegedly most free nation. Why are we, and particularly our children, so ill despite all this technology that supposedly protects us? I'm not just talking about childhood diabetes and obesity and viral infections--more like neurological and immunological disorders that have started running rampant in the last 10 years. What has changed? We know our kids' diets are shite, but that hasn't changed much in the last 20 years. The rate and number of vaccinations our children receive is rising exponentially though, and along with that goes the rate of autism, ADHD, SIDS, and what appears to be "shaken baby syndrome." According to the CDC's website, children aged 0-6 should receive no less than 11 "routine" immunizations, and I'm not even counting all the doses those 11 vaccines entail (the deadly dTaP could be administered up to 5 times). The number is about the same for ages 7-18.

Sure, these kids aren't in wheelchairs from polio, but autism, Asperger's, and other developmental disorders leave these children and their families crippled in unspeakable ways. Once healthy and vibrant children suddenly become uncommunicative terrors. They lose the ability to speak, to connect, to interact normally with their family and the world around them. This doesn't just come out of nowhere! When heavy metals, particularly mercury, are introduced into the body and brain at such high levels (such as those of routine vaccinations), neurological damage is likely to occur. What is "likely?" How about 1 in 58 American boys? The number is slightly less for girls, though reasons why are still unknown. The mercury derivative thimerosal we've all been hearing about, despite ideas that it was removed from all routine childhood vaccines in 2001, is still not out of rotation. As of May 2009, the FDA website claims it is still "continuing its efforts in reducing or removing thimerosal from all existing vaccines." This has been going on since 2001, why are they making "efforts?" In the words of Yoda, "Do or do not. There is no try." Why don't they just remove it? Even in those vaccines that are allegedly thimerosal-free, trace amounts still exist. What's worse, the vaccines already on the shelf in 2001 when "efforts" began were never recalled, never taken off the shelf, and still administered to young children. Here we are nine years later at the peak age of autism onset, and were they to be tested, those kids would undoubtedly have extreme levels of mercury in their blood.

Those autism commercials you see on TV have been saying the rate is between 1 in 166 and 1 in 150, but the number continues to grow. It is now somewhere between 1 in 58 and 1 in 38. Ten years ago it was 1 in 10,000! That is an alarming statistic, yet studies are all still "inconclusive," and to even mention the correlation between vaccination schedules and the onset of disorder symptoms is considered so taboo it's like saying the Holocaust didn't happen. What's worse, there have been no major studies by any public health departments on autism rates in unvaccinated children. The CDC won't study Amish children (who are of course unvaccinated) because they think their "genetics" will be too different from those of mainstream kids (shouldn't that be a red flag in itself? What are the reasons that these people would be so genetically different that it would be impossible to study a sound sample?). We are in the middle of an epidemic, and the most powerful nation in the world is going to sit twiddling its thumbs? They come up with excuse after excuse for not studying the unvaccinated population. Why is that? I can only infer that they are too afraid of what the studies will show.

I did find one study, however, conducted by a non-profit organization called Generation Rescue: http://www.generationrescue.org/survey.html
This is a small sample group, 9000 boys ages 4-17 in California and Oregon, but as it is the only sample group we have to learn from, it speaks pretty clearly. Their results found that all vaccinated boys have a 155% greater chance of having some sort of neurological disorder. They are 224% more likely to have ADHD and 61% more likely to have autism. Further, of boys ages 11-17 (as most symptoms do not onset until ages 8-11), they are a staggering 112% more likely to have autism. What the fuck! I draw my own conclusions, feel free to draw yours.

There is a very good reason for the hush-hush attitude of linking severe neurological disorders with vaccines. There is the theory that the manufacturers and distributors of vaccines are humans too, and they may be quite embarrassed and even legally at fault to be exposed as having knowingly caused these crippling disorders in our youth. But I say that's a cop-out. What about the families who have fallen victim to these chemicals (if you believe in victimhood)? What about the families who cling desperately to an explanation for why their perfectly developing children suddenly turned into mush or even died unexpectedly? They were only following the Good Doctor's orders! If the truth were to come out, I think they would say "fuck you" to the "embarrassed" vaccine manufacturers. We must have accountability. Why should the most organized crime syndicates in this society get bailed out and excused (not the mob, but pretty much: AIG, Goldman Sachs, Merck) while individuals routinely get punished, sometimes irreparably, for made-up crimes and accidental fraud? Ever heard of Tax the Rich? They are the richest of the rich in terms of connections, power, and deep pockets. They must be held accountable if they are at fault! But no, the drug companies are big, big, companies. They have big, big wallets, big, big lawyers, and nothing is stopping them from getting their product to the masses right now.

Merck is contracted with 24 vaccine distributors. According to the World Health Organization, there are almost three dozen influenza vaccine manufacturers alone. Continue to add the numbers up, and this is big business. Like, multi-billion dollar business. You think they're going to roll over and call it quits if some serious accusations were to surface about their business practices? There is a bit of a silver lining, though! Despite the Bush administration's attempts to make it illegal to sue a drug company over a drug that's been FDA approved, the Supreme Court ruled last year that it is legal and possible. Though what do we really get in the end of even the success stories? Someone gets paid a few million bucks--the drug company loses about a drop in its bucket of water, and nothing continues to change for the rest of us.

I don't know what to do about the world at large or these large-scale drug pushers. You know, I don't even know what effect vaccinations have had on these diseases they are purportedly protecting us from. Vaccinations might have had a positive effect on debilitating physical diseases--I mean, when's the last time you saw someone with polio (it doesn't matter that hundreds of kids were confined to wheelchairs and ten died after the initial, world-changing round of polio immunizations)? But the risks involved in the rest of the ingredients in vaccinations are far too high to fuck with, in the opinion of both Mike and myself. It does not resonate with our beings to inject a tiny, fragile immune system with remnants of infectious disease, chemical neurotoxins, and heavy metals in the name of preventative health. That is not preventative health. Babies are not born "wrong." We intend on raising a healthy child, and we are just simply not in fear of him contracting a life-threatening illness on his own. Were we to inject him with a life-threatening illness, that would be a different story. All we can do is give an informed and resolute "no" to our pediatrician and look upon this new and perfect little spirit with the respect and reverence he deserves.

P.S. By the way, I HATE that there is a drug ad on my blog right now. If you see it, disregard it. I have no interest in making money off your misery. Fucking Google.

In the Home Stretch at 34 Weeks!

It feels like I've been pregnant forever! Well, three months shy of a year is kind of a long time to harbor a growing, mobile parasite. Beautiful, exquisite, miraculous parasite of course, but I think technically a parasite nonetheless! I haven't written in over a week, but it seems like things have begun to exponentially speed up. Thanks to Mom and Peter, the nursery just came together in like two days. They brought home a crib, dresser, rug, crib set, and lamp. Then Mike and I assembled the bassinet, and voilà, suddenly we have a baby room. It's like watching time-lapse footage on those home improvement shows. Mom had bought me some diaper covers and the like already, but we went out together to get a few more items. Whereas I had almost nothing besides clothes a few days ago, now I have almost everything we're going to need to begin this thing.

I've exploded in size just in the last three days I think--we snapped a few pictures the other night, and I was shocked at how big I am. Unless the camera adds 50 pounds?! I've only gained 22, but it must be all in my belly because a friend of ours commented that it looks like I'm carrying more than one! Maybe it's a case of not noticing when your appearance or those you see every day changes because you're too close. But when you take a step back, WHOA!

Mike and I saw my midwife yesterday, and things couldn't be better. I'm gaining perfectly (22 lbs., not bad!), he's just the right size, and he is indeed pointed head down, ready to slide on out. Hold on one more month, Baby! We finally got a tour of two of the three birthing rooms upstairs; someone was in the third. Hopefully we get to see it next week (I'm going for weekly appointments now), as everyone says that is the biggest and best room. It has the most space and the largest jacuzzi tub. All three rooms have tubs, but in the smallest one you cannot actually birth in the tub, only labor. I'm just counting on being the only one having a baby at the time, so I get free reign!

My sleep is still quite satisfying; last Sunday was the only night I had a hard time dozing off. I'm sure that was just because we were going to buy our new car Monday morning, and I had a list of annoying things to do before leaving town at 9am. I was slightly stressed about keeping it all organized. But everything worked out perfectly, we do have our new (used) car, and once again my sleep is peaceful and sound. For the last two nights I've even woken up (to pee for the third or fourth time, of course that hasn't changed) on my back, comfortable and breathing easily. This is new. I guess it differs from day to day; sometimes I can lie on my back for as long as I want, and other times I immediately get to huffing and puffing if I even attempt it!

On Tuesday I went to another On the Ball Conditioning class at the MamasMove Center, the place where Mike and I are taking HypnoBirthing classes starting next week. It was better than the first class; the routine was varied from the first, which we can all appreciate. I wondered if it would be more or less challenging because I grow so much in just a week's time now, but I think it was about the same, if not slightly less. Baby and I made an agreement on the way there that I wouldn't push him too hard if he didn't push me too hard, and it worked out great. It was still challenging, in a good way, but I didn't feel like the goon I had been last week. Some of the instructor's modifications were better suited to my needs, but sometimes not. The leg work is great and leaves me sore for days afterward. I'm happy to notice the muscles I haven't been pushing over the last eight months. Since I'm doing all this naturally of course, I'm going to need the strength!

Okay well I am sick of sitting down, so I'm going to pop on over to Target in search of pants that fit and a yoga/birth ball. Next time I'll tell you what I think of MTV's "16 and Pregnant"...

Love!

The Rise and Fall of Preggo Stardust

This morning I arose at the crack of 8:45 to catch a 9:30 On the Ball Conditioning class at MamasMove, the pregnancy/new mom-centered hub for fitness and baby education classes. It's where I'll be taking my HypnoBirthing classes in a couple weeks. I walked in, grabbed a yoga ball, and waited for class to start. I was expecting hardly anyone to be there, but apparently these women do not work on Tuesday mornings (who am I to talk?). It was packed! I plopped down on the ball and couldn't help but notice the conversations which buzzed around me: naptimes, hyper kids, more naptimes. I swear the naptime conversation went on for 10 minutes, and then continued when class ended. They were all in their mid-30s, or at least looked it; I felt a little out of place.

Class was an hour long, but it could have been two. It kicked my ass! Eight months of no aerobic activity has really done a number on me. I've been keeping up with my 15 minutes of daily gentle yoga and Pilates, but that's really chicken shit compared to all the hip raises and ball lifting and Tae Bo inspired sequences we did. My months with Billy Blanks might as well have never happened. About halfway through I no longer recognized myself as the dancer I once was, and I became a total tard--a red-faced, shaking, unbalanced tard. The instructor gave modifications, but in some cases they were more challenging than the original movements, just directed away from the abs. When it was over though, I felt great. Slightly weak in the thighs, but with a sense of physical accomplishment I haven't felt at all since I've been pregnant!

In fact my endorphins were pumping so copiously that I called my mom at work on the way home to tell her fighting is painful, and she not only 100% agreed but said she'd been thinking of me right as I called. For the next few minutes we eerily finished each other's sentences, as we were thinking the exact same thoughts, and agreed to talk civilly tonight. I don't know what happened between us, but hopefully it can be put away for a good long while.

So life was great until I went to the grocery store! I brought a WIC check, thinking this will be a piece of cake. I've been wary because lately every time I've used a WIC check, at least one item gets rejected. But I've gotten all of this cereal, bread, and peanut butter before, they can't possibly turn it away. They all fall under the guidelines of acceptable items. Wrong! It gets stricter every fucking time I use a check! I got two boxes of Honey Bunches of Oats cereal, which is fine, but not the 'Pecan Bunches.' So I switched it with almonds. Whatever. I couldn't get the bread, Arnold 100% Whole Wheat with Ancient Grains, because there are too many whole grains! Are they kidding me?! Not only is the brand acceptable, but it clearly says 100% Whole Wheat on the front. I thought that was the only guideline. But no. It is so particular, there can be no other grains mixed in with the wheat. As if wheat is even good for you! It's not! I had to get a different brand that's purely Whole Wheat (and sugar, and brown sugar, and maltodextrin, and gluten, and lecithin...), with nothing of any real value like quinoa, barley, millet, and flax (she offered me Wonder Bread--now are you really kidding me??!). And last but not least, I couldn't get the peanut butter I usually get, All Natural with Flaxseed, because it has flaxseeds. Too fucking healthy for WIC. I told the cashier and manager that I was told explicitly there are no restrictions on peanut butter--I could even get "all natural"-- as long as it's not organic (which itself is shitty, but I understand it's political bigotry hard at work). The manager tried to tell me all natural means organic, and I crisply informed her otherwise. All natural is a marketing ploy, not a scientific fact. The flaxseeds though, Jesus Christ. Flaxseeds are one of the richest sources of omega-3 fatty acids, which are detrimental to healthy fetal brain development among many things, and how many Americans really get their daily dose of this invaluable nutrient? A sad, sad percentage I'm sure. I am so frustrated with the WIC program, it's like I dread going to the store and using it because I am not only forced to get food that is significantly less nutritious than what I want, but it's humiliating to hold up the line over a loaf of bread. If their aim is to provide pregnant women with nutrition, then they should take a goddamn nutrition class and learn what it is. You won't find it in Wonder Bread and Vanilla Bunches.

Everywhere I look I see illusion and complacent, backwards faces.