"Blue Dress" -- Depeche Mode Ukulele Cover

This is a video I recorded last year, but I wanted to share it with you here now!  Clearly, I love Depeche Mode, and I'm quite fond of my ukulele, so I put the two together in this cover of "Blue Dress" from their classic 1990 album Violator.

Nom. xx 

PosterBrain Impresses

This poster-printing company certainly left an impression on me! I kind of knew I'd like doing business with PosterBrain at the first glimpse of their  tagline: "So Super Fast & Easy...You'll Want to Marry Us."  All right, cheeky poster printers, challenge accepted. Just hold off on the champagne fountain.  

The way it works is simple. You upload a high resolution image or file, choose your poster size, and you can see immediately how clear your print will be depending on file size.  

I knew going in that I wanted Depeche Mode posters, since I'm not super impressed with official ones. I selected a couple hi-res photos I liked from an online gallery and uploaded them to PosterBrain. In no time I'd ordered one in the small size (16''x24'') and the other in a medium (24''x36''). They both turned out gorgeous. Color, light, and clarity are impeccable. Now I can stare into Martin L Gore's eyes ANYTIME I WANT in the comfort of my room. This service is great for creeps like me. 

The order came out to just under $50, which in my opinion is well worth it for custom-designed posters.

Shipping speed was okay: I placed the order on a Saturday, it shipped the following Monday, and I received my posters on Thursday. Their customer appreciation borders on obsessive brown-nosing (you'll meet Poppy, the overzealous bot), but they do include a Werther's candy in your poster tube. Blam.

When it's high quality, affordable custom posters you want, I wouldn't recommend anyone but PosterBrain. Unless of course I were to find a better company. Then I would recommend them. 

Yay! Posters!

Depeche Mode's Divine First Single "Heaven" from Upcoming Album

Electronic music legends Depeche Mode are back with the first single from their upcoming album Delta Machine, out March 26th.  “Heaven” made a surprise debut on an LA radio station yesterday morning. Watch the official video on YouTube now.

The song grips my guts just as potently as their best works always have, though I think it (as well as its B-side “All That’s Mine”) falls more in line with their last two albums than their earlier classics (and I say that as someone who reeeaallly likes Playing the Angel [2005] and Sounds of the Universe [2009].)  There was a blown-up comment made by chief songwriter Martin Gore that this album would sound a lot like fan favorites Violator and Songs of Faith and Devotion, which has gotten a bunch of overly-sentimental fans in a tizzy because maybe this song doesn't really so much.  But come on, peeps.  Those albums are gorgeous, but that was 20 years ago when they were all perma-drunk and on heroin anyway. Maybe I'm just spoiled because I genuinely love most of what they've done in the last 10 years, and it's rare that a band follows up their agreeably best work with some also really excellent shit. Sober.   

So, yeah, I love it.  The single is gritty, raw, and mournfully beautiful, and yet it continues to affirm my idea that Depeche Mode is not a dark group, despite the pervasive idea that they are depressing.  Some folks clearly don’t listen to their lyrics:

I stand in golden rays
radiantly
I burn a fire of love
over and over
Reflecting endless light
relentlessly
I have embraced a flame
forever and ever

Yeah, jeez, the bleakness.  WTF, y’all.  If Rumi had said it, this shit would be all over Facebook. Martin has been writing through the same meaty themes for nearly 30 years, even in, and probably because of, the depths of the band’s personal struggles: the limitless potential of the spirit, earthly redemption, universal oneness, and sweet, burning, whips ‘n’ chains love.  Some call that dark; I call it faithfully insightful and majorly hot.

Delta Machine will be Depeche Mode’s 13th studio album.  They kick off their supporting world tour on May 7th in Israel.  North American tour dates TBA soon!  HOLYSHITYAY.

"Breaking Bad" Season 5 Premiere -- "Live Free or Die" Rambling Recap

After months of anticipation, our beloved “Breaking Bad” is back for its fifth and final season, and Sunday’s premiere lacked no luster.  Kicking things off with a typically cryptic opening scene, we find Walt in a Denny’s, donning what is either a dowdy disguise or the result of a pretty rough couple of months (equally likely and non-exclusive).  He looks despondent but anxious over an untouched breakfast and accidentally engages in conversation with the all too cheery waitress, whose can of happy worms is opened when he tells her it’s his birthday.  She’ll have him know his breakfast is FREE then--I said FREE--so long as he proves with his ID that he’s not committing Free Birthday Shit fraud (a rising problem in American society).  He doesn’t give a damn, but she basically insists: “free is good, free is always good!”  He acquiesces and shows her his license, an obvious fake from New Hampshire, which starts her to prattling on about something or other.  He slips away from the counter when he notices a certain man entering the restroom, but not before leaving a whopping C-note under his plate.  Since securing his status as the Meth King of the Southwest, he will never again be mistaken as the kind of guy who accepts a free Denny’s breakfast.  He meets the man in the restroom--someone familiar, though I can’t quite place him--and Walt slips him a cash-stuffed envelope in exchange for a set of car keys.  He asks if there is an instruction manual, to which the man replies that there’s something in there “off the Internet.”  With a done deal and a flimsy good luck, the man departs.  We don’t know exactly what they’re talking about, but we are intrigued!  In the parking lot, Walt locates the car left for him and provocatively opens the trunk to find some sort of automatic weapon that ain't nuttin' to fuck with (we then remember the man as the under-the-table arms dealer from whom Walt bought his first gun; aw, how fast they grow).  Cue opening credits.  Hi.  We’ve missed you.

Back to the present moment, which picks up where we left off with season 4.  Walt is on the phone with Skyler, who’s still holed up at Hank’s house due to that clusterfuck of death threats, and she’s frighteningly sure her husband is responsible for Gus Fring’s sudden demise.  He simply tells her it’s over and that they’re safe, which freaks her out even more.  Once off the phone, he rushes home to take care of the bomb-making mess he left in the kitchen (a good cook always cleans up); to be a fly on the wall if Skyler came home to that!  Just as he’s pouring himself a drink he remembers one more thing and rushes out back to dispose of what we see is the Lily-of-the-Valley plant, proof that Walter did actually poison young Brock in order to motivate Jesse to go along with his plan to assassinate Gus.  The kid’s okay and the plan worked, but this just secures the ever-present theme that Walt will do anything to survive and thrive.  Of course this is the concept around which the show revolves, but it’s reaching new heights and plundering new depths, as this is no longer just about providing a financial future for his family.  This is about straight up winning. Everything.

With impeccable timing, Skyler and the kids come home, Walt Jr. spraying his shorts over the thrill of it all.  Gus Fring a major drug dealer, his uncle Hank a major hero--if the kid could act cool for even a nanosecond he could probably even majorly get laid.  But that’s clearly not going to happen.  Though visibly irked at the idea of Hank getting the credit, like usual, for once Walt has more pressing matters than his ego and follows Sky to the bedroom where she coldly unpacks.  She finally admits she’s just plain scared of him, and we all know this turns Walt on.  Content to settle down and finally have that damn drink, one last crucial thing dawns on him.  And this one’s a doozy.

Back at the superlab, now destroyed since we last saw it in flames, Hank and the boys are looking fly in Hazmat suits (and a cane!  Very bold accessory), picking through the gnarly remains.  When Hank points out some mangled object above them, silly, useless Gomez supposes it’s “lab equipment,” but Hank’s got a hunch it’s a “camera.”  Of course we know this is the camera that documented the direct participation of our nearest and dearest in the largest methamphetamine production organization ever, that which Gus jerked it to back in his Pollos Hermanos office. Shhhiiiit.

All-Business Mike is for some reason still down in Mexico, healing from the gunshot wound he sustained during the recent, stylishly poolside cartel shootout.  When he learns Gus is dead, he’s suddenly A-OK, driving angrily through the desert, presumably to give the man he knows is responsible a piece of his mind (still not sure why he cares much).  But Walt and Jesse are on a mission as well and conveniently cross paths with him--in a great camera shot, all expansive and dusty and yellow--for a tense but necessary reunion.  They explain the current situation and need him to tell them where Gus kept his video surveillance footage, though they soon learn that the police already have custody of Gus’ laptop and other office equipment.  Mike is sure they’re toast and is hell bent on disappearing, but Walt and Jesse reel him back in with the promise of a plan to destroy the brutally incriminating evidence without even entering the building in which it’s kept.  Committed frenemies Walt and Mike get nowhere squawking back and forth until Jesse can interject his own idea which looks to be pretty brilliant: magnets.  *Chirp chirp*

*Chirp chirp*

SHIT YEAH!  MAGNETS!

Meanwhile, Saul Goodman pays Skyler an unsolicited visit at the carwash, to inform her that whilst in negotiations to write that hefty check to the IRS which she organized, Ted Beneke had a bit of a mishap (remember that scene?  The oranges and all?  LOL).  He’s alive, which is rather inconvenient considering what he knows.  Skyler goes to see him in the hospital, and we see the once smug Ted looking wrecked in every imaginable way.  She feels bad for him, I feel bad for him, but at the end of his “I’ll never breathe a word” spiel Skyler puts on her super stone cold face and coolly replies, “Good.”  Yikes!

With the help of their friend at the junkyard (who totally saved their asses with the whole RV-ditching debacle), the three amigos concoct a pretty simple plan to take care of their vexing little problem.  They’ve essentially rigged a giant magnet that they can control from outside the police station, which will not only erase the computer but for kicks will slam everything made of metal into the evidence room wall.  Stay in school, kids!  Science is fun!  In the getaway car, Mike is still skeptical and wonders why he should believe the plan even worked.  In that way that he does, Walt responds, “because I say so.”  Rrrruff.

Sometime either before or immediately after that, Walt visits Saul, who explains to him what happened to a rather sizable chunk of his money (you know, he gave it to Skyler to give to Ted to give to the IRS.  Ugh!).  Saul proclaims that all this is too much for even him, a little rant Walt tolerates.  He then stands, the subject of a great camera angle from below which makes him look quite large and authoritative. And he is just that as he approaches the weak-kneed Saul behind his desk and creepily cautions him that they’re not done until he says so. When he returns home, undoubtedly on a bit of a power trip, he corners Skyler in an uneasy embrace and whispers "I forgive you." Why is this chilling and creepy? We know Walt loves his family and would never hurt them (?), but will he take advantage of his wife's declared fear of him? Yeah, probably so.

With the conclusion of this episode, we realize Walt’s ballooning ego seems to have no limits, which has mostly worked for him since he’s just so damn good at what he does. Considering where he started as a doormat of a cancer-ridden high school chemistry teacher, the progression is logical and classic.  But science teaches us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; in its final hours, will the king fall from his throne?


Other questions: did the magnet trick really work?  What was the information the cop discovered behind the framed photo of Gus?  Methinks this will be an even bigger problem for the boys.

See ya next week (maybe)!

      

Ron Paul Needs to Get Straight on Gay Marriage

I love Ron Paul, that ol' coot.  I really do.  He is spot on in terms of the corrupt economy and overstretched military, but for the sake of fair debate I've got to state my ever-growing realization that he's really got to get his fucking shit together when it comes to gay marriage (and abortion, for that matter, but we won't delve into that shitstorm right now).  

In the wake of yesterday's landslide passing of Amendment One in North Carolina, which limits the legal recognition of partnership rights to those of "one man and one woman," President Obama has finally come out of the cozy political closet and boldly announced his support for same-sex marriage.  When asked in a press conference today for his reaction to the president's proclamation, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney--well--reacted as Mitt Romney does.  He's against it and essentially wishes the cute, naive little president good riddance in November's election.

But what about Ron Paul, Big Media's black sheep who is, actually, more popular than ever thanks to his relentlessly powerful message of fiscal responsibility and personal liberty?  Let's not go into the arduous details of his "chance" of securing the Republican nomination in spite of his crazy delegate-having and caucus-cockpunching, but instead focus on his own solid stance on same-sex marriage.  In his response to the question posed by Neil Cavuto on Fox Business today, Paul reiterated his view that while he personally believes marriage is between one man and one woman (snore), he also fundamentally believes the government should stay out of our business and not be the ones deciding what actually constitutes a marriage.  In other words, he'd rather marriage not be a legal institution at all, but rather some hazy kind of churchy one.  In theory, this sounds pretty great: no more laws concerning marriage at all!  Polygamy finally WINS!  But is he serious about the church thing?  And what does this mean in terms of right-here-right-now leadership?  

If there's one thing Ron Paul is, it's consistent.  His views DON'T CHANGE, and this is both a major strength and weakness for someone trying to become president in 2012.  While we need a leader who doesn't "flip-flop," we also need someone flexible and accessible enough to listen to us and our ever-evolving desires for the direction of our country.  In order to get there, though, we need that person to know which steps to take in order to firmly guide us out of the bureaucratic purgatory we now inhabit.  We know he blasts his fellow conservatives out of the ironic waters for his lofty economic ideas and severe foreign policies, but is holding steadfast to the notion of eliminating marriage laws altogether a practical approach to such a personal, relevant issue of today?

Okay, we get it, Ron, you are a strict Federalist and Constitutionalist and want everyone to tend their own fields and school their own kids and marry themselves before their own gods in their own churches they built with their own two hands, but this isn't 1779, dude!  Neither is it 3012.  We're living in a minefield of laws and running into red tape every time we take a shit; this is a system which must be deconstructed carefully if it's going to be deconstructed with any grace at all (if that's what we're aiming for, that is).  It seems he doesn't push this or any of his social issue stances to the forefront because he truly doesn't believe they are as important as our country's money problems.  The man's got priorities, sure, but that approach is sinking him fast because it's really all connected.  Legal marriage--not just marriage, but domestic partnership--is more than a license number on a piece of paper; it is the institution of being honored as a unit with its own rights in regards to family/children, health, and yes, money decisions.  If the glass pane of legal marriage and anything resembling it were simply smashed, where would all these shards fall?  The way our society views marriage and the resulting rewards (and punishments) from it are not absolute, but neither are they going to go away overnight if he becomes president.  So where does that leave us now?  

Sadly, the Republican alternative to Paul's amorphous lawlessness is Romneyland, where we would just have to accept (in our dear North Carolina, at least) that same-sex couples or even unmarried-by-choice heterosexuals cannot have even the hospital visitation rights that their legally wed heterosexual counterparts have.  There we must confront a great infringement on individual liberty and the consequent civil rights divide.  Ron Paul should be swooping in with jazz hands here, but the seeming unlikelihood of him realistically picking up where Romney leaves off is a major downfall for him in this campaign.  If he indeed wanted to leave the marriage issue solely to the states, then we're certainly seeing what happens when some stuck-in-their-ways religion-based states (*ahem* North Carolina *ahem*) are left to make these basic quality-of-life decisions for all their individual residents.  Paul preaches individual and state rights above all else, but in this case, which are stronger?  When the two cannot reconcile, at what point should the federal government step in and defend the huge landscape of "unconventional," marginalized individuals in our diverse states?

I certainly realize this can go the other way, and as Ron Paul and those in agreement with him on this believe, that if the federal government decides these issues, then they can go on to decide every other issue, and BLAM we're suddenly in 1984.  But I don't agree that it's quite the mudslide he thinks it is.  What's so wrong with making the federal government the open and individual-friendly entity (like recognizing heroin users and prostitutes and raw milk drinkers as citizens, for a change) and allowing states to restrict and determine the more localized issues for themselves?  That way, everybody pretty much gets the kind of freedom they want.

The bottom line is that, yes, Ron Paul is largely supported by the young, intellectual, economically-aware grassroots population, but he's losing bigtime support when it comes to these key social issues, namely same-sex marriage and women's reproductive rights.  The truth is that Obama's newfound, as yet theoretical support for gay marriage is going to boost his appeal, but it doesn't change his otherwise pretty dismal record of action (i.e. corporate bailouts, more troops in Afghanistan, more Patriot Act broohaha).  Of course even this issue won't match the batshit crazy hard-on America had for him in 2008, which means the voting majority this year is going to be the religious right, who simply wants the dang commie out of office.  In order to get the best of both worlds, it's the young, intelligent and generally freedom-loving yet practical Obama supporters that Paul needs to win over, and that will only happen if he recognizes that the moral issues he considers secondary are actually enormous parts of his constituents' lives.  The rights to legally share our lives with the people of our choosing and have children how and when we want to are not the stuff of high political equations or conspiracy theories: they are the stuff of us.  So get with it, Ron Paul, and turn some of those nebulous ideals into accessible plans of action for today's youth.  We want a president who truly is looking out for our basic individual and human rights, not just letting those of our loudmouth Christian neighbors rule.

Boardwalk Empire Season 2 Finale "To the Lost" Review

"This is the only way it could've ended, isn't it?"

Is it? It's certainly what producer/writer Terence Winter thought, and perhaps it's true. As the ever-simmering second season of "Boardwalk Empire" comes to a scorching close, predictions are dashed,

alliances rearranged, a thousand questions posed, and a million hearts broken.

I'd might as well begin with the elephant lying dead in the middle of the room: Nucky's shocking murder of former protégé (and beloved second principal character!) Jimmy Darmody. This act was particularly chilling considering Nucky raised Jimmy essentially as a son, but at the same time this may be the most impassioned thing we've

ever seen Nucky do. Even onlooking pro killers Owen Sleater and fucking Manny Horvitz looked freaked out when Nucky fired two startlingly point-blank shots into Jimmy's face, an obvious personal sacrifice for him. This is a major turning point for Nucky's character, who has always kept his cool and his hands clean. But after uncomfortable brushes with death and the debilitating prospect of prison, Nucky clearly holds no intention of relinquishing his power and is "not seeking forgiveness" for it. He is now an irrevocably and unmistakably whole gangster (a throwback to the series premiere when Jimmy told Nucky "you can't be half a gangster anymore").

Shattered by war and a lifetime of mob violence, Jimmy has been a walking corpse since we've known him. Of course last week we got a crash course in the reasons behind his passionless marriage to Angela and the perversely passionate relationship with his mother, which explains his sudden and unpopular decision to drop out of Princeton and enlist in the Army during WWI. We knew from the beginning that Nucky resented Jimmy for this, forsaking his education and any hopes he had of creating something more for himself, but it's hard to say now if Nucky's wish for Jimmy to get out of their violent world was because he truly cared for him or because he saw an ambitious flame in the kid that could one day threaten him. More than ever over the last few episodes we've come face-to-face with Nucky's unflinching self-centeredness.

After an excruciatingly long chain of failed power struggles, we finally see Jimmy pretty well put together throughout this episode. Little do we know he's either consciously or unconsciously putting his affairs in order, collected and self-assured as he moves unarmed toward his own death. Jimmy lays the cards on the table for Nucky when he invites him to talk at his home. I don't think Jimmy is a mess here at all--bleeding from a stab wound inflicted by the father he finally succeeded in killing and pouring a sad toast "to the lost," sure--but he's quite lucid in his utter honesty. This is the prodigal son's unmistakable attempt to return home, and even if he somehow knows his request will ultimately be rejected, it's quite beautiful. After all, he's not fucking with Nucky by telling him it was Eli's idea to kill him, because it was. Eli's fucked anyway--Jimmy did try to stop him from betraying Nucky--so it feels only natural for Jimmy to give him up. Even though the reigns were placed in Jimmy's hands, he never really held them, though he doesn't deny all the mistakes he made. Even if he knows he will have to die for them, it's a testament to Jimmy's character that he's still got to "clear the air" (as Nucky so aptly puts it later on).

When Nucky calls his home that night, Jimmy doesn't even let right-hand man Richard Harrow join him to supposedly get his revenge on Manny Horvitz, asserting that it's something he's got to do alone. In the BFF's last heart-to-heart before Jimmy leaves, he beseeches Richard to "find a way to come home" (from the war). I'm eager to see what will become of Richard's heartbreakingly beautiful character, now that he's lost the only person holding him together, and the closest thing he knew to home. What will keep him from just topping himself like he planned to do earlier this season? Will he step in as father to Tommy? Perhaps steer him away from a tortured life like those that he and Jimmy have lived? Oh God, will he get busy with Gillian? Nooooo, Richard! That clearly doesn't work out for anyone.

And ohhh, Margaret. Silly, stupid Margaret. Otherwise a very smart woman, her spiritual conflict has come to a ridiculous head as she agrees to marry Nucky and then immediately betrays him afterward. Yes, Nucky's marriage proposal was unromantic, but refreshingly honest, and that's something she can be grateful for after allowing herself to be kept in the dark with him all this time. By confiding in her his fears of death and jail (perhaps not in that order), Nucky once again shows her his vulnerabilities, something he doesn't do in the company of anyone else. But while we believe he does love her and their family, he only "needed" to marry her so she wouldn't have to testify against him, and it's clear that saving his own ass is again his first priority. Which worked, by the way.

The morning after he murders Jimmy he makes a very flimsy case for Jimmy's "re-enlistment" to Margaret, which she doesn't believe for a nanosecond. It is curious then that as Nucky goes to celebrate with his associates on the as-yet undeveloped "road to riches," Margaret immediately signs the land deed (placed in her name for legal safekeeping) over to the church, instead of Nucky, as per his request. A woman scorned, I suppose, but does she seriously have a death wish? I was hoping she might get a little more inventive with it though. For a moment I entertained the idea that she would even hand it over to some federal agency, to ensure they had somewhere besides the post office from which to work! That would have been a riot. But the fucking church? Christ, Margaret, you are boring! She had better watch her pretty little pampered ass in season three. Chances are that at worst, she'll end up like Jimmy, and at best, like Lucy.

But of all these betrayals, has Nucky actually betrayed us, the audience, most of all? He's always held that "gangster with a heart of gold" thing quite well, but I'm starting to feel alienated in my sympathy for him. Twice now those nearest and dearest have come to him hat in hand, and he's spit in their face (err, shot it). Perhaps his sudden unpredictability is what makes for a riveting character. I'm just so fucking pissed at Nucky right now, but I suppose, like everyone, our relationship with him is complicated. As the constant sun around which all the tumult has always revolved, we see even an old dog like him can learn new tricks ("just try to make yourself calm...breathe, Nuck"). After a whirlwind season which left an alarming body count, "Boardwalk Empire" writers continue to show us that nothing is for certain, nothing is untouchable, no one is safe. See you in season three!

Questions: What WILL "Boardwalk Empire" be without one of its most beloved characters? What effect will Jimmy's death have on the giant machine that is Atlantic City?

No longer toeing the line between virtue and corruption, what is to become of Van Alden, a murder suspect who is now officially on the lam (with nanny and baby)? Also, are he and Ingrid officially an item? Do you think she still gets paid?

What effect will Arnold Rothstein's new interest in the heroin trade have on all of this bizness?

Don't Hate Me Because They're Beautiful: Breaking Dawn Review

Okay, I get it: "Twilight" fans (Twi-hards) can get a little crazy, and screaming tweens everywhere have largely turned off a more mature crowd from appreciating this internationally-exalted saga, a reality even some of the cast struggled with when embarking on this project. But put all the hysterical girls and Team Edward/Team Jacob bullshoot aside, and you may see it for what it is: a genuinely enthralling and emotionally appealing story. The film adaptations of the beloved Twilight series have done a very good job of translating the fantasy in a mature way. Such is certainly the case with the most recent film, "Breaking Dawn: Part 1," which was beautifully done and I would say is a spectacle bordering on exceptional.

I must begin by addressing the much-anticipated wedding scene. Is there a more profound term for holy freaking gorgeous that I should use here? Magnificent? Exquisite? Splendiferous? Before the ceremony, as Bella prepares and is fussed over in the usual way, she's a nervous wreck. She is relieved that her mom and dad come to see her, especially her dad Charlie, who is having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that his 18-year-old daughter is--instead of going to college and working a summer job at an independent newspaper or environmental non-profit--is getting married to the smolderingly protective and mysteriously wealthy young man she's known for less than two years. Well, it's too late for questions now; Bella takes a deep breath and readies herself to become a wife, something she finds harder to swallow than the metallic sweetness of human blood.

At the ceremony site, white flowers hang from the trees like a ceiling of live icicles, which most likely serve as creative shading--assurance that none of the wedding party will start lighting up like Cinderella's dress--who, by the way, has nothin' on Bella Swan. The bride is a sight of sheer perfection, her dress an exquisite modern take on the traditional Victorian style, no doubt an homage to Edward's roots and the reason for all of this: his attachment to tradition and the "right way of doing things." I mean, yeah, if he's eventually going to turn his blushing bride into a bloodthirsty vampire so they can truly live together for eternity, I don't blame him for wanting to keep some things customary. A beautiful blue-diamond heirloom hair pin given to her by her mother has been fastened into Bella's impeccable hair and holds her long, simple veil. Propped up by her father, Bella approaches the aisle, and we get a gander at the stunning back of her dress: the delicate lace cut-out--ohmygodhowdeliciousisthis--is segmented by a line of pearl buttons, which runs down the center from the neck to the tasty train. The front appears to be satin, in a feminine, form-fitting cut. Designed by the legendary Carolina Herrera, if you're near an Alfred Angelo boutique, you can try Bella's dress on. Don't be obnoxious about it, though. They're getting pretty sick of that.

Bella is still all nerves as she starts down the aisle, but through the anxiety her eyes land upon the one person that makes even the high heels worthwhile: her groom, Edward. He looks happier than Rosalie in a vat of blood and babies. Secure in knowing exactly where she's meant to be, Bella proceeds soundly toward her destiny as a vampire princess and meets Edward at the altar. They waste no time in exchanging the simple, traditional vows, played over with a moving montage of their (short but ample) history together. As they lean in to kiss, Iron & Wine's "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" plays, a throwback to their first dance at junior prom.

The reception is a gay affair indeed, complete with drinking, dancing, and snarky comments from Bella's coulda-been-best friend, Jessica (some funny, some awkward). Anyone of any great importance gives a toast to the sickeningly happy couple, last of all Edward. To paraphrase what I remember of his heartfelt speech: "I've been waiting for what seems like a very long time to get beyond what I am, and with Bella, I feel like I can finally begin. No measure of time with you will be enough, but we'll start with forever." Kay Jeweler's ain't got shit! As though this elaborate, teenage fairy tale wedding weren't strange enough, it sounds even stranger to hear this (allegedly) 18-year-old kid speak in such eloquently romantic terms about how long he's been waiting for the love of his life. If I were in attendance I would probably think he was the kind of kid who picked out his future bride's wedding dress when he was, like, five.

After a visit from Jacob, who ruins the mood by getting pissed about her plan to have dangerous sex with her vampire husband, it's time for the couple to depart. Leaving behind their cheering family, friends, and life as Bella knows it, they drive away into the moonlight, alone together at last. Somewhere in the woods, Bella hears the despairing howl of a wolf.

Edward leads her to Rio de Janeiro, where they spend a couple hours smooching in the vibrant streets before pulling her on the last leg of their journey, to Carlisle's private island off the coast: Isle Esme. We know Bella is a simple girl, but even she has to admit that shit is riDICulous. Bella is more psyched about the fact that, after holding up her end of the deal (a wedding), Edward must now hold up his (some sex). It's on!

I must say I was slightly disappointed in the PG-13ness of the "big sex scene" that was so hyped up, considering there wasn't much of one to speak of. We see them getting hot and heavy, which drives Edward to break the headboard with one hand (hot), but then it cuts right to the next morning with Bella waking up in a ravaged bed, down feathers flying. Shwing! I know we're supposed to get the idea, but with so much build-up to the culmination of their act of love, we're dying to experience more of that epic passion (that's not just me, is it?). Of course it does closely echo the book in that way, and Stephenie Meyer, good Mormon that she is, probably doesn't want to spill all of Edward and Bella's secrets.

Ironically challenging though it may be for Bella to get her new husband to touch her again (after seeing the bruises he left on her from their first lustful night), this is the best honeymoon ever. She gets to spend the next two weeks (or however long she would have wanted) on their private beach, hiking and playing chess with her sparkly lover, transforming herself each night to seduce him with a different piece of lingerie. Dream come true much?

Of course their dream honeymoon is interrupted with the sudden realization that Bella is--gasp--pregnant. What? How? Possible? Despite Edward's deadness, he's clearly got some live ones down there. There is a great shot where, after Edward declares they are leaving to "get that thing out," Bella observes herself in the bathroom mirror. She caresses herself--her belly, her face, her hair--as if seeing herself for the first time. She is suddenly a whole new person, with a destiny which has just veered sharply in a new direction. "Thing?" she says to herself in response.

They rush home, of course, where Bella spends the next few weeks growing more pregnant and sickly by the day. Totally unwilling to take the advice of everyone (except Rosalie) and somehow terminate the pregnancy, Bella suffers horribly for this mysterious new life. Jacob stops by shortly thereafter, at which point she is pretty damn pregnant and at the same time little more than skin and bones. I must give credit to the makeup and special effects department here--she looks awful! The movie does a good job of showing how twisted and disgusting Jacob finds this development, but the book goes into so much detail (as the chapters switch up the narrating points of view) of his complex turmoil--his shattered fantasies of her one day carrying his child, naturally round and healthy, and the ceaseless agony of knowing that he could never fulfill his primal desire to destroy Edward without destroying her too. Whew. Gosh. Intense.

Of course now that Jacob knows what's up with Bella, the rest of the wolf pack has to know. Drama ensues, loyalties waver, yadda yadda yadda.

Finally (after what, a month? Maybe two?), Bella goes into labor just after announcing to the family, including Jacob, her baby name selections: for a boy, Edward Jacob (EJ--gross), and for a girl, Renesmee (Renee + Esme). (Man, Edward seriously has no say in any of this, does he?!) The birth of a vampire hybrid baby is uniquely gruesome, of course, which means they must act fast. Edward cuts their baby out of Bella, who lays eyes on her once before she goes still. When Edward tries to hand the baby girl to Jacob so he can give his attention to his dying wife, Jacob refuses to acknowledge the monster responsible for Bella's death. Good thing, because if he had looked into Renesmee's eyes and imprinted just then as he would hours later (when in doubt, show a montage--it works!), they would've been all wwhhaaa??!! as if they didn't have enough to deal with at the moment. Edward hands the baby to Rosalie, who is more baby-crazy than bloodthirsty at the moment, and joins Jacob in the attempted resuscitation of Bella, who is so disgustingly dead. Amazing makeup and digital effects here, again. She surely looks like a corpse.

Nobody could predict what the actual delivery of the baby would be like, but they did anticipate having to "change" her at the last minute, to ensure her survival. Jacob, thinking she's gone, storms outside in outrage and grief, while Edward delivers a straight shot of his venom into Bella's lifeless heart, "Pulp Fiction" style. Maddened and desperate, he then bites her entire body, ensuring the venom will catch, and she will return to him. Though she still lies cold, Carlisle assures him the vampire venom is working; he can feel her pulse. Little do they know she will burn soundlessly in excruciating pain for three days before she opens her eyes again, reborn in red. Vampire Bella is going to be so badass.

This all sounds so fantastical, because it is. Even the most ardent Twi-hards are aware of the fantasy factor here, yet they suspend it for a couple hours every time they watch one of the movies or read one of the books. Is this not the nature of romantic fantasy, to ensnare us so fully that we are left breathless? If the story of Twilight achieved anything less than that, it would not have become at all what it is today. Truthfully, what girl wouldn't want this cosmic love affair with a deathless hottie who never farts, gets fat, or bitches about who's going to take out the garbage? Better yet, whose love is whole and unwavering?

If anything makes it difficult to distinguish fantasy from reality, it's that Robert Pattinson (Edward) and Kristen Stewart (Bella) are a real-life couple. Young, beautiful, talented and famous, these two are a teen girl's wet dream (sorry, Justin Bieber). Though while "Robsten" undoubtedly have their faults and struggles, Edward and Bella are perfect, and it is the filmmakers' job for us to become as enamored with them as they are with each other. Well, we are. Mission accomplished, Hollywood. So suck it, haters. Seriously.