The Abundance Abounds!

I just wanted to write a quick thing in celebration of all the abundance that's been springing forth lately! It's amazing how switching to a relentless vibration of abundance has truly transformed my situation, just in the last couple weeks.

I have already successfully attracted over $1000 from freelance writing jobs since the new year began. That's insane! I've been enjoying the work tremendously as well, as it keeps me busy and revitalizes me, filling me with a new sense of purpose. Mike is also attracting money just about every day through his endeavors, resulting in weekly checks. Aaaand, drum roll please, the situation with Terrence Sanders is finally over. Last week I was extremely pleased to receive an apologetic email from him--simple, straightforward, and all I could hope for--along with the $100 check a few days later. I can't say I was too surprised because I knew I had opened a flood gate of energy when I wrote my exposé of him. Those few days before I'd received the email, I honestly had released all attachment to actually receiving the money. The only thing that mattered was that I had fulfilled my responsibility of using my words to spread the truth. Three days later, there's the check. That's a little more than a coincidence, don't you think?

I recently signed up for the WIC program (Women, Infants, and Children), which somewhat eases my grocery bills with a set of monthly coupon checks. To those who are unfamiliar with the program, it is a federal and state-funded nutrition program which provides vouchers for specific foods (bread, milk, cheese, peanut butter, produce, etc.) to pregnant and nursing mothers as well as families with young children. The vouchers only add up to like $50 a month, but it's something. I got twice the food the other day for half the price. The program emphasizes nutritious foods (I was pleased to learn you can only buy whole wheat or whole grain bread), which I believe makes it far more effective at securing a fairly nutrient-rich diet than just handing out food stamps, which are utilized far too often for Oreos and ice cream. Point being: I am abundant in good food!

These are just a couple examples of the influx of abundance that has come into our lives in such a short time, and I like to reiterate to everyone, including myself, my feelings of gratitude. That's what's making it all happen, after all, switching my gears to appreciating the abundance instead of focusing on the pain of what I don't have.

Now we can finally renew our car registration (for an exorbitant price) and buy a new muffler (it needs one desperately). Thank you, Universe! Keep it coming!

Round and Round

Well, what an abundant day yesterday is! I attracted some money through a quick gig, which completely reenergized me. If only for three hours, I had a purpose! I checked our Craigslist's email Sunday night and found a response from a woman needing a story typed. Easy as pie. I called her straightaway and arranged to meet her in Boston the next day (Monday) at 2:00 to pick up the photocopied story. She just needed it typed and emailed to her so she would have it in her computer, as she is a writer, yet a slow typist, and is including the story in...come to think of it, I never asked. And she even bought me a hot chocolate near the T station. Damn. But she paid me first thing and trusted me to send her the story by Wednesday. By 5:00 I was emailing her the finished product. She says she'll recommend me to any friends who need help as well. Awww swell!

Anywho, I got a life-saving $45 out of the deal, which not only paid our car insurance in the nick of time but also got us a quick trip to the grocery store. That little boost gave us both a shot of confidence and faith. I am so grateful for the opportunity to eat and drive another day! I could do that 1000 times, and looky there, I'd have $45,000. Not so hard.

A short while after my last post on Sunday night (before the job email) I really started to lose it, and my eyes burned red from the constant flow of tears. Mike really didn't know what to do, so I hobbled upstairs where Mom and Peter were eating dinner. I just stood there silently for a moment and stumbled into the kitchen. Mom asked if I was feeling well and followed me. It took me a couple minutes to regain composure. When I'm falling apart sometimes just being in the presence of my mom allows me to completely let go emotionally. We talked it through, my feelings of utter purposelessness and boredom ripping me apart. But it's more than just boredom, I explained it to Mike as if the Universe has forgotten us down here in this cave, and I have no idea where to go to be seen anymore. She was completely supportive and made suggestions I agreed with. It was a refreshing, necessary conversation. Maybe I just needed to connect with my mother after feeling so much disconnect. Maybe the first step in reminding the Universe to see me was reminding my mom.

And one last tidbit: I've made a penny off this blog, too! Mike loves to check stats, and he noticed I have successfully earned one cent from the Google ads on the side there. I honestly hadn't even noticed them, but I guess someone reading did. Thanks a lot! Keep it up!

Short but sweet. See ya later.

Rollercoaster

Woo, yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotion, intention, and being. Mike and I have been scouring Craigslist the last week or so desperately in search of some work, ideally outside this house. Mike's got his internet thing all set up, but he wants a steady, outside job to keep his mind off of his click statistics, not to mention reel us in some steady income. I be hungry! I want a hobby, a job, something to keep me productive and prevent insanity from setting in. Sitting in this house day in, day out makes me crazy, like I'm in a black hole where depression and anxiety dig deep and quickly. I went to a dance class in Boston a few weeks ago, but it became financially impractical when I realized it cost almost $30 to get there, pay for the class, and get back. There's an audition for some sort of choir tomorrow, but the spring concert is two weeks after the baby's due date. Even if I were decorating the baby's room, physically preparing in some way it would be okay, but there's nothing to do right now. As of yet we have no crib, no shelves, no furniture, nothing to put the dozens of outfits I received at the shower on. So, I look to the outside.

It's a challenge for me to formulate in my mind what I want to do because I'm constantly met with things that I cannot or definitely do not want to do. There seem to be hordes of jobs for the qualified, which I am not. One thing we both know we do not want to do is work in restaurants. I've done enough of that, and it's hardly a job for a nearly seven month pregnant woman. The running around, sweating, stressful backbreaking duties are hardly worth the minimum wage. And all the time I am met with my own limiting belief that "no one is going to hire a pregnant woman who is going to quit in two months." And really, isn't that generally true? Although when I worked at Domino's all those years ago, this heavily pregnant, Marlboro-sucking woman started work on my last day. I told her I didn't approve of her smoking and forgot all about it, but I suppose that sort of thing does happen.

One thing I can do is write. It's a perfect job for me, as it usually pays well, and I don't have to worry about any painful labor until the baby comes. Unfortunately I have had a bad experience with a so-called "professional" magazine editor already ("hey, let's just not pay her!"), but I'm not letting that deter me from working with people again. Now what I'm going to do with those violated trust issues, I don't know. Gandhi says even if a man betrays you 70 times, you should trust him 71 times. I imagine he means you should trust him infinitely. Well, I'm not Gandhi, and taking advantage of freelancers pisses me off!

But of all the ads we have responded to, we either get no response or one response and silence thereafter. This is entirely frustrating to both of us. What are we doing wrong? Honestly! What are we vibrating that turns the Universe off so much? Some crackheads have jobs, why don't we? We's good people, and we really do work hard. Fuck!

At some point mid-day I was attempting to post a "writer for hire" ad on Craigslist when Allison turned on the TV, and I grudgingly dragged the computer into our bedroom to write in silence. Mike was breathing cross-legged on the bed. Just as I had my ad worded to perfection the computer froze. I closed my eyes and felt the blood pump faster in my veins. I don't know how long it took for the machine to start back up, it could have been 10 minutes, but I tried it again. Just as before, the page froze as I neared completion. I closed my eyes again, Mike tsked and slid the computer onto his lap, as he loves to take care of these things. I felt his frustration and expectation that I was about to freak out, which I was, but I just kept my eyes closed softly and breathed iiiiiin and ooooouuuut. The blood was still pumping hard and fast, daring me to snap, but I didn't dare even open my eyes. I squeezed two single tears out from beneath my gently rested eyelids and continued to breathe. Mike clicked and clicked, I knew nothing was working, but the more I stayed still the weaker his frustration became. I had two choices: open my eyes, say something destructive and proceed to slam around the house damning my luck and life and the goddamn Universe, or remain silent and let it just pass by. The former option was still teetering on the brink of transpiring, like an aching sweet tooth. I let two more tears fall.

After a few minutes of this my blood pressure went back down, and I didn't necessarily want to throw the computer against the wall, but I thought it best to stick with it just in case. Just to see what happens. Very rarely had I ever had the patience to stay inside a meditation, as I guess I'd never truly been in one. Never a necessary one at least! Mike, for some reason, offered me the computer again once he'd gotten it straightened out, and I quietly but emphatically declined. Cha! Right! Like I'd want to start the whole process over again! He didn't try to speak to me again after that, though he did continue to clack the computer keys right next to me, which brought up annoyance. When this continued to bother me, I unhesitatingly went back to the breath, but when that wasn't working very well I started doing the Alternate Nostril Breathing exercise. I don't have the desire to describe it here, so just google it, it's good. That exercise immediately brought me back to my breath awareness--it kind of had to, my nose had some snot in it, and if I wanted to get the oxygen in and out effectively, I had to pay attention to it. After a few minutes of this I went back to normal breathing, and I noticed I felt strange, like drunk or drug strange. I quickly acknowledged that it seemed like my head was tilted to the left side, like when you fall asleep on an airplane. I didn't dare open my eyes to check, but it soon got weirder. Not only was my head tilted to the side, but I felt like I was scrunched up, sitting in bed like a distorted midget with its head tilted to the side. Such a bizarre sensation! Then my eyes seemed to get closer to the darkness ahead of them, like my eyeballs were not just observing it, but they were a part of the darkness behind the eyelids. And the computer! That damn computer again! I became super aware of it, like it was sitting right next to my head, motor whirrrrring my brains out. At this I was still very annoyed with Mike for continuing to use it next to me when I was obviously in quite the state.

Shortly thereafter I lost the awareness and came out of the meditation, but what a ride that was! I told Mike all about it after I'd gotten my head back, including how I never want to see or hear a computer again during a meditation. If he notices me breathing with my eyes closed, get that thing away from me! It felt good that I had conquered the anger and turned it into a positive experience, but then I started musing and the questions and tears flowed. "What is the blockage here? Why are we not attracting what we want? I don't know how to fix the problem if I don't know what it is." It seems like I've made plenty of room in my life for financial abundance. There's room in my wallet for a stack of 100s! There's room in the fridge for good food! I feel like I have made room in my life for abundance to come in, but it continues to stay just out of reach.

I am as optimistic and positive as I can be, but the negativity and fear still creep in. And that's normal, isn't it? So what if I'm not following all the rules of effective manifestation? Now it seems like if I have one negative thought it cancels out all the positivity I have cultivated. Before I even knew about the Law of Attraction my life was great! I trusted that I would always have the things I had always had, and more, but suddenly just knowing about the power causes it to slip away. What kind of bullshit is that?? Maybe I'm forcing it, maybe I think about it too much. I don't know where the perfect medium is. But how am I not supposed to think about it when my cupboards are empty and the insurance payment approaches? How am I supposed to remain positive when I see voids everywhere???

Vibration of Abundance

Okay, so yesterday was a very charged post, but today is much lighter, I assure you. First of all let me say I feel kind of embarrassed about the last blog, and it's probably because I'm feeling a little guilt over just laying our family woes out on the cybertable for everyone to see (yes, my zero humble followers). I also feel some guilt because when Mom and Peter arrived home from their dinner out, she seemed much more connected and vibrant than I've seen her in a long time. Peter's daughter came over with her two kids, and Mom was totally into it, paging through garden books with the little girl on the couch. It was strange that I attracted the opposite vibration I was putting out, or did I? Perhaps underneath my surface frustration my vibration was a positive one, a hopeful one. Whatever it was I felt guilty for even saying those things about her. After Peter's daughter left, Mom continued to engage in conversation until she stepped out to the porch for a cigarette. Despite this blip in my expectations, I maintain that yesterday's post is an accurate portrayal of my thought and feeling process in that moment, and I can't take that back. Every family has problems, mine is no different, and they need to be expressed, if only in journal form.

So, let us continue. Little by little I've been going through a book I got for Christmas Born to Manifest because I'm really needing a boost in my manifestation skills. Today I read a chapter primarily about money, which is high on my priority list. It recommends doing a couple exercises daily, one called $10,000/day and one where you observe and celebrate all that you are abundant in. This is to get in the habit of giving off a vibration of abundance.

(Hold up, I'm confused about something, I need to work it out. They say the Law of Attraction simply brings you what you are vibrating. If you say "I want $10,000" but don't really BELIEVE you are going to get it, that vibration transcends the words you say, and you don't get it. Similarly when you say "I don't want my sister to read my diary" your sister is probably going to read your diary because you BELIEVE she really is going to read it, and also the Law of Attraction does not recognize negating words, only the vibration you put out when you say them. This explains why so often the opposite of what we are wishing and wanting to happen, particularly when using negating words, unfortunately happens. So following this model, were you to say "I don't want to make a lot of money," wouldn't you actually start making a lot of money simply because not only do you probably BELIEVE this statement but the Law of Attraction does not recognize negating words? Wouldn't the LOA simply hear "I want to make a lot of money"? Or would you continue to attract nothing because you really believe and are vibrating the same negative statement, that you won't make a lot of money? I guess when we say a negating comment, "I don't want it to rain today," we're vibrationally believing the positive statement "It will rain today," therefore it rains. The 'don't' is a futile attempt to trick ourselves out of a bad experience. In this case BAD = POSITIVE STATEMENT: "it will rain today," "I have to go on food stamps," "my wife will leave me." But when the positive statement is one that we as humans have been conditioned to believe will NOT and CANNOT happen to us, when we wish for the positive statement "I want $10,000," we're really BELIEVING "I will never get $10,000," which is a stronger vibration than the positive words stated in the first sentence. It's all about vibration, not simply receiving the opposite of what we say. We're just conditioned to expect the negative; we have to consciously teach ourselves to accept that we deserve the positive. Okay, I answered my question. Thanks for your help.)

And we're back. The Vibration of Abundance. So often we can't really pull the feeling of Abundance out of a hat--what does abundance feel like? The book reminds us to recognize the moments when we feel abundant: when you get paid, when you have a kitchen full of groceries, when you're surrounded by family, when you and your partner are snuggled together in bed. The more we recognize these moments, the more the Law of Attraction will recognize these vibrations and deliver you an abundance of them! If we can give as much time to a feeling of abundance as we can, we can only receive more of that feeling. Then you can begin to direct the abundance in whatever areas of your life you want it. So today, I am very abundant in love and family: Mike is always with me, his support is all-pervasive, and I am thankful for my sisters, mother, and dog Jack, invaluable centerpieces of my life. I am abundant in friends, though they are not with me physically, they are all over the world, surrounding me in a comforting global cocoon! I am abundant in shelter with a lovely roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. I am abundant in television, to use as much or as little as I want, as well as all the free movies I want. I am currently abundant in some foods (haha), like bread, peanut butter, ramen noodles, eggs, greens, raspberry preserves, and tea. I am abundant in and grateful for connection with my baby and birth choices--I know I can deliver naturally and safely in whatever position I want, and I get to bring him home right after. This is unheard of for a lot of women out there!

So there, I am full of abundance. I recognize it, celebrate it, and am eager to receive more of it. Now you try it! It makes you feel good! The other exercise called $10,000/day is fun, but also kind of challenging. If you had $10,000 to spend today, what would you spend it on? You can play again tomorrow. So really you get $10,000 every day to spend on whatever you want. This was challenging for me because I started getting all up in my head and didn't know what I would spend it on. Maybe that's a block for me, why I'm not receiving an abundance of money, because it's hard for me to believe I'm going to receive it, therefore I just don't have strong intentions for it. Well, I'm working on that! Today I would go to Whole Foods and have a major shopping spree and also order bee products online. I would buy radical baby furniture and the rest of the supplies I need to prepare for his birth. Oh shit, I'd pay off my debt, too! It would only take me...three days of $10,000 to pay off my debt? So whew, glad that's gone, then once the baby is born and old enough to travel (what, three, four months?) Mike and I would buy plane tickets and head back to Hawaii. We would rent a swanky jungle house for a couple weeks while we go to the beach and scope out land to purchase. We'll of course find the perfect spot, about four acres, and then we'll hire a good friend, maybe Robert, to consult on what needs to happen next. Clear this, clear that, then start planting. Avocados, coconuts, oranges, mangoes, and the vegetable garden. Then we'll design and start building our dream jungle house. Not too far into the jungle, too many mosquitoes. Halfway between nowhere and the beach. Of course we'll become friends with our native Hawaiian neighbors so we can live peacefully. And the dream continues, but I'll work the details out myself. Now you try it!

Whewwww, I feel much better. Once you get past any blocks you have about receiving something, it plays out beautifully in your head. And if it can play out beautifully in your head, it can play out in your physical reality too. I have an abundance of confidence!

Okay, now I'm going to eat an abundance of breakfast. Love love love y'all!