My baby was unplanned. I did not count my ovulation days, take my temperature every six hours, or schedule sex. In fact our awareness of him began as a sort of "oh shit" moment (the kind you've seen a thousand times in movies), which quickly gave way to a "this is okay, this is cool; let's run with it" mentality. I don't pretend to believe that all babies begin that way though. Many new mothers-to-be (or potential mothers-to-be) are horrified, whereas others are euphoric. I wasn't horrified, but I did cry for a few minutes when the double pink line appeared on my pee stick. This blog is for all those who would be euphoric.
I'm not sure what's inspired me to write this. A lot of babies have come into my reality as of late. A lot of desire for babies, on top of that! Maybe it's just my reality, like I say, because I happen to have a baby. But maybe birth control has actually become uncool, what with the hippest pill around, Yaz, being near the top of the list of Pharmaceuticals Nearly Guaranteed to Kill You. It seems like having babies is actually cool again, even for young people. I mean, I'm 23, and I just heard the good word that a couple of my closest friends from Back Home are expecting their first. They're my age and totally blissed out about it (if the poor girl weren't so nauseated all the time. Oh the joys of the first trimester.) The point is, people want to have kids, and they want to teach them kindness and sign language and raise 'em right. Sounds good to me.
At the same time I've also been thinking about a cousin of mine who is desperately trying to conceive and has been for at least a couple of years. We're not close--I haven't seen or spoken to her in years--and although it's likely we share no spiritual or social values, I empathize with her. There is a kindred feminine energy there that wants for her to have as many children as she can possibly handle. But I get this feeling, and I guess it's a little more than a feeling but not quite fact, that she harbors anger and resentment toward anyone that has children when she does not. "If I can't have 'em, nobody can!" sort of thing. While I can certainly understand how easily those emotions can rear their ugly heads at a time when you are feeling impatient at meeting disappointment month after month, I believe there really is something to be said for one's attitude about the whole process.
First off, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I did not get pregnant the first time I had sex (thank Goddess), and I was not using birth control when I did conceive. In fact, we engaged in unprotected, irresponsible sex for almost a year before little Sage graced us with his presence. So if you've been trying for three months and are about to visit a fertility doctor, give it more time. Even if you've been trying for two years, give it more time and maybe try a few of my recommendations before undergoing invasive procedures and allowing yourself to be told your uterus is "hostile" or any other such nonsense. Yes, I'm thinking of "Grey's Anatomy" here. Poor dark and twisty Meredith with her inhospitable environment.
Now I'm no medical expert, and I am in no way guaranteeing anything, but the following suggestions are more holistic and perhaps a bit more fun than taking your temperature every morning and scheduling the love makin' for exactly 3:15pm on Tuesday, the 4th. If you are having difficulties getting pregnant, those steps can be vital to success, but I hope to throw a bit of humanity back into this process that often, sadly, turns out to be a passionless chore.
Keep in mind that in conjunction with everything described here, there is a vast wealth of more clinical and credible holistic approaches to fertility, such as acupuncture, energy work, yoga, and herbs, as I will briefly touch on. You can find all the information you want on these methods with a simple Google.
1. Creating Positive Vibrations: Give Thanks and Give Joy
This may sound like one of those hippy dippy things, but stepping back, being grateful and producing positive vibrations is hugely important. When you celebrate the fact that babies still are coming into the world (did you see "Children of Men"?), even if not yet by way of you, then you are giving off a positive vibration. And it's kind of common knowledge that babies really like positive vibes. The trick is to get your vibration to attract and match that of a soul wandering around in the cosmos, looking for a new mother. (I'm realizing that maybe my advice won't fall so softly on the ears/eyes of some religious folk who do not believe souls live more than one life or that everything is vibration. In effect this probably would not help my cousin much. But if you dig it so far, please continue.) For example, let's say your friend Jenny tells you ecstatically that she is pregnant and due in August. If you, who are feeling disappointed and angry that you're not pregnant yet, tell her congratulations but then go on to bad mouth her behind her back ("that slut probably doesn't even know who the father is"), you are actually giving off a negative vibration, one which stresses your body and turns little baby souls off from coming in.
Try empathizing with your friend/sister/co-worker/cousin; take on her joy. Feel what that excitement feels like. Revel in it. The more joy you actually experience, the more positive vibrations you will produce.
2. Visualization
Once you've started feeling what actively producing positive vibration feels like, visualization follows very quickly behind. I'm going to explain this step simply because there are hundreds and thousands of materials on visualization out there, especially now, and it all works in the same fundamental way. Create in your mind what it is you desire. Imagine the baby you so dearly want, see his/her face, feel his smooth skin, see his nursery, his clothes hanging in the closet, your partner's face as you wonder at each other in amazement. See your own pregnant body, feel your rounded belly. Basically, daydream about your baby. This is probably the part of the process that is the most fun. (Sorry, guys, but it's true. That's a whole other can of worms.)
The power of visualization is vast and largely ignored in our scientific world. We were all brought up to believe daydreaming is a "waste of time" when it couldn't be further from the truth. This is how we figure out what it is we truly want in life and bring it into being, by painting pictures in our heads. There must be a blueprint of a house before there can be a house, right? The bottom line is our thoughts are very powerful and actually do in many ways create the world we are experiencing. If you're not convinced, I encourage you to explore the world of visualization further through reading and your own practice.
3. Attract Goddess Energy
Stay with me, it's not as bad as you think. By "goddess energy" I simply mean all that represents the female, and particularly the Mother aspect of existence, aka the Divine Feminine. If you have a male archetype God, then we must have a Goddess, yes? Yin and yang, black and white, god and goddess. As two sides of the same coin, these opposite aspects make up All That Is.
Whew, okay, now that we've got that straight, it only makes sense that you would want the Divine Mother's support as you aspire to take on the most female process there is: the bearing of a child and becoming a mother yourself. (If you believe God created Man in his image, and you've seen how that's manifested in your husband/partner concerning "girly things" like your menstrual cycle, then I can only assume you must believe the male side of God won't know jack about this whole pregnancy business.)
You don't have to dance naked around a fire on the full moon singing praises to Diana or Gaia (though that can't hurt); there are fairly "normal" things you can do to attract and focus goddess energy in your life:
a) Garden--Just as your womb is a fertile ground waiting to nourish a child, so the earth incubates seeds and guides our crops into maturation. Mother Nature, Mother Earth, they don't just call it that for no reason. Plant an herb garden, get some houseplants, and just nurture the hell out of 'em. By connecting with the natural processes of the earth, you are connecting with the Divine Feminine. You want that connection. (Hey, if you can take care of houseplants, you can have a baby. My son is healthy as a horse, but I can't seem to keep a damn fern alive. Go figure.)
b) Herbs--There are at least several dozen herbs I am aware of that support reproductive health. Two that seem to come up quite a lot are Red Raspberry Leaf and Nettle Leaf, though I am not an herbalist (yet), and I don't purport to know how to advise anyone on employing them. I am happy to say that plant medicine is powerful, and because of this, using herbs in any form is a responsibility you must be knowledgeable about beforehand. Use at your own discretion and if possible, under the advisement of an experienced herbalist.
c) Scents, Colors, and Ritual--Smell is one of our strongest senses, if not the strongest. It is the most closely tied to memory and emotion. It is safe to assume that scent is a powerful tool in attracting (or dispelling) energies to/from us (I certainly dispelled those damn roaches with the strong odor of bay leaves and clove!). Same goes for color. Colors are not to be explained away with abstract scientific jargon. Whether it's a simple concept to you or not, colors are vibration. Incenses and colored candles are used in rituals all over the world, including your local Catholic church, in order to bring awareness to the spiritual work at hand and welcome the energies of certain gods/goddesses. I know "ritual" can be a scary word, one that evokes thoughts of human sacrifice and witch doctors, but ritual has a very wide spectrum of possibilities. It can be as intricate as a tribal sacrifice or as simple as you sitting in front of a burning candle, visualizing your future baby.
There are countless variations on what I've suggested here: you can draw inspiration from the hundreds of forms of fertility and motherhood represented throughout every culture, and the visions you can create with your own mind are limitless. This is a very powerful thing, but that power only helps you if you believe in it. Focus on something you believe in. When you actually believe that what you are doing is beneficial to you, you are successfully creating positive vibration and are far more likely to achieve the desired result.
4. Nutrition
I am 1000% supportive of holistic nutrition, but I know babies don't only come about by way of women who eat quinoa and kale all day. I don't believe you have to give up alcohol if you want to conceive either. I was eating ramen noodles and going to the bar three nights a week the first few weeks of my pregnancy (I was confusing that pregnant hungover feeling with the real hungover feeling), and I'm sure you've heard of a crackhead or two with at least four kids. But eating well certainly cannot hurt your chances of conceiving. I'm sure there are plenty of what one might call "old wives' tales" about the particular foods that help, and you're free to look those up, but I am a strong advocate that the key to holistic eating is a Whole Diet. Whole foods, of course, and lots of them, but also anything else you want (Triple Chocolate Chunk ice cream, Cheetos, hamburgers, beer), though not nearly so often. If you're not a health nut and don't get super excited about vegetables, believe that there really are so many ways to make healthy eating delicious. But balance is the key. Have a big bowl of ice cream once a week, and get drunk with your friends one Friday a month (or with your partner--babies have been known to be created that way!). That should keep you somewhat sane and relieve the pressure of trying to get pregnant.
I have given you a lot of suggestions and an overwhelming amount of information, much of it of a spiritual nature, I know. It's not exactly characteristic of me. But I feel strongly that in lieu of the highly specialized, expensive, often physically and emotionally painful non-holistic approach to fertility the medical world presents, there must be a simpler alternative to the vast universe that is conception.
*I celebrate you, dear reader, and I acknowledge the Divine Feminine that resides in you. May it bless you with as many beautiful children as you can dream!*
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